Memoirs of Mercutio
by Miss Rosie Real
Summary: This is a very masculine writing log. And don't you forget it." This was just an old school project. Parody, of course. Enjoy!


The Memoirs of Mercutio

By Rose

Disclaimer: Ahahahahahahaha, no, I don't own Romeo and Juliet. Silly.

Note: Well… this was a school project last year, and I was just rereading through it. Why not publish? It's obviously a parody, and not meant any offence- I happen to really like Shakespeare! So here's for a few laughs. The Memoirs of Mercutio!

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(Saturday)

How does one start a journal entry? As if writing a letter? Therefore… I must address whoever I am speaking to. Who exactly am I supposed to be speaking to?

…Somehow 'Dear Inanimate Booklet' doesn't seem right…

Dear Diary? Way too feminine.

Dear Journal? No, that's not it…

I could write to God, I suppose.

Hello God,

It's me Mercutio-... no. Doesn't feel right.

…This is ridiculous.

**Dear (insert name here),** (There we go!)

Well, I've gone against my better judgment and have decided to start a writing log. This is not a diary, or a journal, and definitely not my (as Romeo prettily puts it) window to my deepest feelings and inner soul.

This is a very masculine writing log, and don't you forget it.

I don't know why I let Romeo talk me into these numerous 'get-in-touch-with-your-feelings' schemes. It'd be easier to be his friend if he wasn't so insufferably moody! Last I checked, we were trying lead nuns into temptation… but then Romeo went and fell in love with Rosa-whatsherface.

Man, if I had a pound for every time he 'fell in love'… well, that's wishful thinking. Anyway, if I did, I'd be rich enough to get rid of those pig-faced Capulets properly.

I think pushing them off a cliff is merciful enough. Don't you agree?

I told Benvolio of my plans and we shared a good laugh. He's a true friend, that Benvolio.

Oh drat. Romeo's back. I'm putting you away so I can be a great friend and listen to him whine.

**-Mercutio**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

(Five minutes later)

**Dear (insert name hear),**

Well. Romeo finally cornered his prized nun (Rosaline happens to be her name. Ouch. Well, that's not her fault, I guess…) in the church and unsuccessfully attempted to kiss her and seek out their love.

I have the feeling he'd had a little too much to drink.

That poor girl.

Well, anyway, now he's sulking. Seems she told him to get away from her or she would beat him like a piñata.

…Not in those words exactly, but with the same meaning. (They're frighteningly strong, those nuns!)

Now Romeo's indestructible heart has been shattered (again) and he's on the verge of tears.

Oh dear.

………….. Hahahahhahaha!!!!!

Oh wow. This is just great. Benvolio is trying to cheer him up, and I'm 'supposedly' listing reasons why Rosaline is a waste of his time, and unworthy of his love. Little does he know… I'm actually recording this enormous humiliation for all to read in the future.

I really wish he'd give all this whining a rest though.

Oh, blast. Benvolio wants me to read the list…

Improvisation skills-go!

**-Mercutio**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

(Five minutes later)

**Dear (insert name here),**

My council didn't really help. He's stubbornly attached to the idea of being in love. It quite unhealthy, how addicted he is to it… like men are to opium, he is to sensitivity and feelings and angst.

Emotional is the word for it.

…Rom-emo…

Hmm, I like that.

Well, we ran into another illiterate servant-in-distress. Seems like the Capulets are throwing some sort of shin-dig at their house. So, of course, we're going to crash it.

Benvolio's made a bet with Romeo that he'll be over Rosaline the Pure by the end of the night.

I honestly don't know whether that's good or not. He'll either be still stuck and crying over Rosaline…

Or he'll be drooling over some new unfortunate girl.

Maybe the second would be better… I can't stand all his dramatics. He claims he's going to kill himself one of these days.

Oh please.

Well, if he does find a new object of affection, I hope she's at least _legal_ this time. (Last few have been… barely pre-teen.)

We're off to party. Ciao.

**-Mercutio**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

(Two hours later)

**Dear (insert name here),**

Why do I bother being his friend!?

Why!?

So, we're at the party. Dancing, drinking, making general merry… When Romeo disappears.

Of course at first, this is very cool. Benvolio and I get to score with the Capulet groupies without having to listen to him moan about how no one compares with the beautiful innocence that is his beloved Rosaline.

But eventually we start to get worried about him… can't have him throwing himself off a building over his lack of love life…

It was after I politely mentioned he take up another hobby (knitting? stamp collecting?) instead of pining over untouchable girls.

He seemed a little miffed by that statement.

But really. I'm sure his life would be so much easier if he settled down with a girl in a normal relationship… why must everything be dramatic and difficult with him?

I swear, one of these days, he's going to get himself in a really big mess. And I will be there to sing "I told you so!"

…Anyway. He left shortly after I made the comment.

Meanwhile, Benvolio and I checked out Capulet's daughter. Julie or something. Juliet? Yeah, I think that was it. She was, like, twelve. Nothing really special. Pretty enough I guess. Not as glamorous as say the sun, or anything.

Nice looking enough I suppose. Seemed a bit dramatic too.

Thank god Romeo didn't see her… I have the strangest feeling he'd be all over her like jam on toast.

She was certainly the right age… (Ha! Vindictive, catty comments through journals! Erm, manly writing logs, I mean…)

**-Mercutio**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

(One hour later)

**Dear (insert name here),**

Benvolio and I are searching for Romeo right now.

Well, complaining about him. He feels the same way. We're thinking about just taking break from him. No harm in that, right?

It's not like it'll end up in grossly tragic suicides, the end of the Montague and Capulet feud, and my inevitable death… right?

Right. I'm calling it a night!

**-Mercutio**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

(Sunday)

**Dear (insert name here),**

Good morning, writing log. Today's been rather predictable. I ran about town with Benvolio. I was even a good boy and left the Capulet children alone… (After teaching them the memorable game of 'Stone the Outcast'. See, one Capulet child is the outcast, and all the rest hurl sharp objects at them. …What? Don't knock it, 'till you try it.)

We haven't seen Romeo all day. It's a nice break for Benvolio and I… it does us good. We're not so irritable and cranky.

And Romeo's probably doing well too… maybe this will mellow him out. Besides, we've only been away from him for a few hours… what kind of trouble could he get himself into?

I'm sure everything is fine.

…Oh fantastic, here come the Capulets… Annoying little pansies…

Especially that Tybalt. He has it in for Romeo for some god-forsaken reason… maybe he saw us at the party yesterday? Oh well. His funeral. Let him start a fight with the Montague Crew (we should make shirts with that as the logo!) and get himself executed.

The buffoon.

Oh look, Romeo's coming. I'm actually a little glad to see him. I don't even have to force a smile!

…And he's surprisingly mellow. Look how perfect my idea was! I should do this more often.

Tybalt's spotted Romeo… I've got my sword ready incase it gets serious.

…He's beating up Romeo. Aww, jeez… maybe I should help…

Wait! Romeo's fighting back-… no-no…. He's… declaring passionate love for him?! What the-! Oh good lord.

On the other hand, Tybalt's expression is pretty hilarious… And… now it's gone. He's insulting Romeo some more…

Okay, Romeo's way too mellow. I didn't think it would be this literal.

…This is painful to watch. ………Oh, in heaven's name, Romeo! Be a man! Defend your honor! Stop-… oh my GOD, is he CRYING??

Alright, I'm officially disgusted. Great, now I have to go fight Tybalt, that playground bully.

Romeo had better not do anything stupid, like intervene.

Be right back.

**-Mercutio **

**Note: Sadly enough, Romeo did intervene, leading to Mercutio's untimely death. Way to go, Romeo.**

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

**Note: **I got an A !

Which means you have to review… Says so in the rule book. Yup. :D


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